Relational Integrity: A Marking of Spiritual Maturity

"It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don't use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that's how freedom grows." Galatians 5:13

I am seeking to be a spiritually mature Christian.  Many believers unfortunately never reach this place because they refuse to fully embrace ALL of God's truths and principles set forth in His love letter.  There is no greater area of disconnect than how the scripture commands us to treat others and the way we actually do.  I am striving to be reflective of God in all my ways, including my relationships with believers and unbelievers alike.  This is one of the greatest way we can impact others for God's kingdom.

The following is taken directly from the book “The 10 Best Decisions Singles Can Make”

All relationships are easier when they are genuine, and the greatest stealer of joy in life is a relationship in turmoil…I believe the main reason there is so much trauma in relationships is that people lack integrity.  They make verbal commitments but don’t’ have the resolve to follow through with them.  They say they will sacrifice but quickly decide it’s too hard and too much is being asked.  People convince others they are loyal and committed to the same goals, but then they manipulate circumstances to take over while they move others out of the way. People gossip when they should be friends.  They criticize when they should be supportive.  They lie when they should be honest.

As a result, most of us have stories of friendships, work relationships and church conflict that have surprised us and broken our hearts.  Being able to look yourself in the eye, knowing that you’ve treated people well, is much better…

Relationships can feel complicated at times, especially if the others person is not living in accord with how God would treat people.  Josh McDowell developed a simple way to help us all live with integrity in our relationships.  He put three question marks on a set of dog tags for his son and a heart formed out of three question marks on a necklace for his daughter.  What are the three questions marks for you, you ask? They are a remainder to ask three questions that maintain JOY in any and all relationships.

                                Does your decision or action show respect for Jesus?

                                Does your decision or action show respect for Others?

                                Does your decision or action show respect for Yourself?

We have seen that people who pause to ask these questions before they say or do things are better able to stay under the umbrella of God’s blessing.  Their friendships have fewer issues, their business network is more effective, and their influence on others is more trusted.

The 10 Best Decisions a Single Can Make is written by Bill and Pam Farrel

Visualization: Put on your Faith shaded glasses

Dr. Adams, my pastor has been preaching a series on faith for the past several weeks.  In one of the sermons he preached about using visualization to help ourselves see by faith what we cannot always see in the natural.

I have been using visualization for years.  The bottom line is it works.  I have used it to picture myself literally laying my problems on the lap of God.  While I know that God does not have a body like man the idea of putting something on his lap or at his feet helps my psyche to release whatever it is I am going through.  Or if I am having trouble sleeping I picture myself going to Abba’s House where I can talk with Jesus or just go to sleep in my room which happens to be all white, calming and very wispy.  The concept of taking my mind someplace else helps.

The same can be applied to our faith if we activate the God kind of faith in our lives. 

A beloved friend of mine who is also a theologian told me that everyone has been given a measure of faith.  He taught me that everyone has the God kind of faith that can make things happen but not everyone activates their faith to do so.  He helped me build my faith tremendously.  As I began to seek God’s truth on the matter my pastor began a teaching on faith confirming everything my friend had told me. 

One day my pastor preached a message on the power of visualization.  I have visualized to help me relieve anxiety but never visualized about something I had faith for.  Visualization about faith matters can help relieve anxiety as well.

Since I have started doing this it has literally rocked my world.  Visualization is putting on faith shaded glasses.  Visualization allows you to see by faith what your human eyes cannot see.

That same visualization will activate your faith so that you began to prepare to receive whatever it is that you are having faith for.

If you have faith that you will be married you began to prepare yourself for marriage tying up any loose ends.  This is true for me.  I wrote down the attributes of the Proverbs 31 wife and evaluated myself in the areas.  Those areas that I am deficient in I prayed for God’s strength and changing power and began to seek to strengthen myself in those areas.  Why?  Because my husband is coming and I plan to be ready when he arrives.  In fact, he is en route as we speak.  I don’t know how long it will take for him to get to me, but he is coming.  When I get a little anxious I just close my eyes and visualize him on a white horse riding hard to find me.  I see his path being made straight.  I see God supernaturally building bridges over water for him so that he can get to me.  It might sound odd but it is working. 

In that faith that he is coming I am preparing myself.  I am putting my works in line with my faith according to James the second chapter.  The version I am using is the Message.

14 Dear friends, do you think you'll get anywhere in this if you learn all the right words but never do anything? Does merely talking about faith indicate that a person really has it? 15 For instance, you come upon an old friend dressed in rags and half-starved 16 and say, "Good morning, friend! Be clothed in Christ! Be filled with the Holy Spirit!" and walk off without providing so much as a coat or a cup of soup--where does that get you? 17 Isn't it obvious that God-talk without God-acts is outrageous nonsense? 18 I can already hear one of you agreeing by saying "Sounds good. You take care of the faith department, I'll handle the works department." Not so fast. You can no more show me your works apart from your faith than I can show you my faith apart from my works. Faith and works, works and faith, fit together hand in glove. 19 Do I hear you professing to believe in the one and only God, but then observe you complacently sitting back as if you had done something wonderful? That's just great. Demons do that, but what good does it do them? 20 Use your heads! Do you suppose for a minute that you can cut faith and works in two and not end up with a corpse on your hands? 21 Wasn't our ancestor Abraham "made right with God by works" when he placed his son Isaac on the sacrificial altar? 22 Isn't it obvious that faith and works are yoked partners, that faith expresses itself in works? That the works are "works of faith"? 23 The full meaning of "believe" in the Scripture sentence, "Abraham believed God and was set right with God," includes his action. It's that mesh of believing and acting that got Abraham named "God's friend." 24 Is it not evident that a person is made right with God not by a barren faith but by faith fruitful in works? 25 The same with Rahab, the Jericho harlot. Wasn't her action in hiding God's spies and helping them escape--that seamless unity of believing and doing--what counted with God? 26 The very moment you separate body and spirit, you end up with a corpse. Separate faith and works and you get the same thing: a corpse.

I also have a hope chest.  My father told me story of the women of old who used to fill a chest with things for their day of matrimony in faith that her day would come.  My hope chest is being filled for my wedding day and things for our new home.  It is also being filled with books about marriage so that we can keep the love protected and safe.

But you can have a hope chest for anything.  If you have faith that God will use you to minister to his people you can have a special storage container for all of your notes, sermons etc.  You can videotape yourself to critique your style and make changes to your presentations that you will have in the future by faith.  It is wise for you to prepare yourself for God’s working.  

My pastor says he has been preparing for our church for 20 years.  While preparing he has been  in leadership over a great church here in our city.  He never lost sight of what God put in his spirit and in that faith he begin to prepare himself.  The doors of Amazing Grace Christian Church opened in 2010.  When the day came Dr. Adams was ready.  He believed what God said and then put works with it.  He visualized it.  He prepared himself for it.  This is faith with works.

If you have faith that you and your spouse will have a child you can start preparing yourself by getting some literature on parenting and child development and common things a child would need such as blankets, onesies and such.

If you have faith in a business God birth in your spirit you can get a chest to fill with your business cards, literature on businesses and any notes that you have been writing for it.

Notice that all of these examples of faith include moving towards that faith goal.  People act on what they really believe.  Who knows they are expecting guests but does not clean their house in preparation?  The same is true for things we believe in faith.  In our expectant state of mind we prepare for God’s provision.

Dr. Adams shared in the message there are four important factors in visualization:

1.       Frequency- The more you visualize what you have faith about the more it gets into your psyche and your belief is strengthened

2.       Duration- You can’t just believe for one day and then give up.  You have to stay in a constant mind frame of belief and expectancy.

3.       Vividness- This describes the depth of which you are able to see what you have faith for.  It is not a passive wish or desire.  You can see some detail.

4.       Intensity- The amount of emotional energy you put into it.

In psychological terms we would say its mind over matter.  It’s not what is going on presently, it is what we believe will come to pass.

My faith shaded glasses are on presently and the faith that I have in God is removing all traces of anxiety.  My visualization will come to actualization.  I know it will.

Faith Blockers: Get Them Gone

You may be wondering what a faith blocker is.  Well, it could be a number of things.  I have found that usually faith blockers are thoughts or pessimistic people.  No matter what they are your faith life would grow more freely without the weeds of faith blockers interfering.

Here is an example of a thought that is a faith blocker…

“I know God can heal me but even if he doesn’t he is still God.” 

Now the above statement is true.  However, there is some doubt included in the thought.  I was better able to understand the root of the doubt when my pastor shared some information about that form of theos, or idea of God. 

My pastor has a master’s degree and doctorate in Divinity.  What makes him so awesome is that he is a human development expert so not only does he know the God stuff, but he also has an understanding of how the human experience can affect one’s ability to fully embrace and see the God stuff.  This is a very powerful combination to have when you serve God by leading people.

I learned from Dr. Adams that the faith blocking thought “I know God can, but I don’t know if he will do it for me” often comes from a person who has self esteem problems.  Even if they don't have self esteem problems this individual often has had life experiences they have taught them not get their hopes up to high lest they be dashed.  There are legitimate reasons that people think this way.  It is completely understandable from a humanistic perspective.  However, if one is to ever embrace God for who he truly is one must come to terms with anything that gets in the way of embracing Him.  Sometimes it is as simple as asking God to remove it.  Sometimes that means processing through past experiences with a spiritual counselor.  I personally have used both methods in order to come to know God as He is, rather than my understanding of Him.

Another example of a faith blocker is doubt that may enter your mind because the lack of visual supportive evidence.  God has told me something recently.  It totally seems left field.  From a natural perspective it is totally out there.  Yet God has me preparing for something that I desire but have no evidence in the natural realm to lead me to believe it will happen.  What I know about God is that He doesn’t set His children up to look like fools.  I also know that like a father reading a story he is familiar with to His child who has never heard the story, God knows what’s next even when I don’t.  He knows the end from the beginning. 

I had a close friend who is a great man of faith and who has studied God’s word for years tell me that nothing surprises God.  He reminded me that God knows the beginning from the end.  Nothing that can happen is going to change the story.  So when I start to feel anxious I just remember that God knows even what I don’t.  I also know that His thoughts are for my good, to give me a future and a hope.  If I just stay with Him come hell on earth or high water I will always be fine because He is with me.  I will also have exactly what is in His plan for me.  If I being a human parent, flawed and imperfect could plan to give good things to my children what more would my Heavenly Father who is perfect in all His ways do for me, His child?

Another example of a faith blocker comes in human form.  It is a well meaning “friend” or family member who thinks they are just trying to “keep you on track and in reality”.  The reality is sometimes God will share something with you that has no supporting evidence for it today.  You can believe in what God says and still take care of today. 

The best way to rid yourself of these kinds of faith blockers is to be very discerning with the information you share with others.  If someone has proven themselves to be a faith blocker in the past, don’t share with them.  If they ask you how things are going just because they are “concerned” you can respond “Things are going exactly as God has planned” and keep it moving!

Pray and ask for what I call faith friends.  These are other believers you can share your “Noah message” with who won’t mock you but actually will get excited with you and pray for you!

I pray today that we would remove every “weight…that does so easily beset us”.  One such weight could be in the form of a faith blocker.  Get rid of the faith blockers in your life so you can enjoy the anticipation of God’s word coming to past in your life.

Be well,

Chenille

Women: Beware the trap of the Praying Mantis

(A caveat: This is posting, more than most probably is counter cultural to the US culture like most of the writings in the Bible)

The praying mantis…

We all know her. 

She is seemingly spiritual and wise and desires to be married or is married…BUT…she is a man eater.  She may seem gracious, loving, kind, well dressed, well kept and fiscally responsible.  Still she eats her man for dinner then spits him out to do the same the next day.  Not all man eaters are pretty man eaters.  Some are sloppy, rude, and down right insolent but still she eats her man and spits him out to do the same the next day.

The praying mantis figuratively “eats her mate” by emasculating him in word or deed , not showing respect for him as a man or does not respect God’s order for the home.  She may have an unconscious lack of respect for men or just insists on her own way and wants to “wear the pants”.  This could happen in any combination for a multitude of reasons.  Ladies, this is out of order. 

Seriously.

No matter why a woman becomes a praying mantis if she is to show God’s love to all, including a person she is dating, married to or her future husband she must evaluate if she is living in accordance with God’s divine order as it relates to marriage.  You don’t have to be married to know if your thought processes are in accordance with marriage.  There is divine order in marriage and it is for a reason.  The order is perfect; however some immature believers have misused this order in order to usurp power over others.  This madness has been used by the evil one to set mistrust against God’s order and disrupt the home.  The evil one comes to steal, kill and destroy.  What I know is mostly he destroys homes.

A Godly man knows his place is as the head.  He is to serve, honor and protect his home.  He being called by God to lead his family cannot do this successfully without his wife being in her proper place.  A wise man who is dating looking to be married would not choose a woman who looks like a man eater to be his wife because a praying mantis is trouble waiting to happen. 

Saying the man is the head is not to say that men are superior to women.   They are equals with two different roles ordained as such by God.  For a unit to run successfully each person must fulfill their roles properly or things will be out of balance.

Now to the strong, independent women:

It is quite possible to be strong AND independent AND gentle AND respectful AND submissive all at once.  If you are like I was then to you the word submissive makes you see a red doormat.  This is not true.  Unfortunately too many Christian men, well meaning or just plain uninformed have used the words submissive, submit, or submission as a method to demand their way or manipulate others.  

The Bible does call for wives to be submissive but look at how much it focuses on how husbands are to love their wives.  I heard Tony Evans say one day that a Godly wife with a loving husband has no problem submitting to him.  I fully believe this. 

Doormats happen when husbands are not being loving or even abusing their wives and the wives have improper boundaries and just tolerate it.  Both are wrong.  God does not call us to be victims of abuse or to be abusers.  He calls us to his divine order.   A Godly woman has Godly boundaries.

I will show you the King James Version and then a passage in The Message to support what I have shared thus far.  Women, notice that only 2 of the 12 verses speak about submission.  The other 10 verses speak about how loving men are to treat their wives. 

KJV

22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. 25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

^{The Message: Ephesians 5:22-33}

²²Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. ²³The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. ²⁴So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.

²⁵Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church--a love marked by giving, not getting. ²⁶Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, ²⁷dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. ²⁸And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor--since they're already "one" in marriage.

²⁹No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That's how Christ treats us, the church, ³⁰since we are part of his body. ³¹And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become "one flesh." ³²This is a huge mystery, and I don't pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. ³³And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.

 

The main definition of the word submit in the Merriam-Webster is “ to yield to governance or authority”.  Notice the word YIELD.  For those of us who have seen the word “submit” used wrong we have been given poor examples and need to ask God to remove the damage of the poor examples to show us His way. 

To submit DOES NOT mean to accept abuse, to tolerate sin or agree with sinful behavior.  It means to yield.  I like Merriam Webster definition of yield that defines it as “: to give place or precedence: acknowledge the superiority of someone else”.

A Godly, strong Christian woman knows that submitting to her Godly husband is a part of God’s order.  Likewise a strong, Godly Christian man knows that if he cherishes his wife as God has ordained him to then his Godly, strong Christian wife will have no problem submitting to him. 

Now a word to my beautiful brown skinned sisters:

We must be careful not to fall into the trap of being “the black girl with an attitude” in any relationships, particularly our romantic relationships.  Now, that does not mean that we are passive.  It means that we are not aggressive.  There is a fine line where we should live mostly and that is called being assertive.  It means we lose the aggressiveness gained by seeing things out of order such as our single mothers raising us taking on the role of the head of the house as well as the woman of the house.  Or it may have been learned from seeing our mothers disrespected by a man and we vowed that would never happen to us.  In order to protect ourselves we created a shell.  This shell keeps us from being abused but it also prevents use from successfully take on our role as a wife as defined by God.   

We learn to be strong and independent.  That is a good thing.  However to be effective partners in a marriage we must also learn to be gentle, respectful and submissive.   If that last sentence struck a cord with you consider that to be a good indicator that you may have some past hurts or false beliefs keeping you from accepting this truth.  At this time stop reading and call a therapist because you need some help! 

A Godly wife is marked by her ability to accept and embrace her role.  Part of our responsibility includes submitting and supporting the head, which is the husband.   These roles are supposed to be separate according to God’s divine order. 

One of my favorite move phrases is one that Toula Portokalos’ mother says on the film “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”.  Toula is the main character who is dating.  Mrs. Portokalos is about to go talk to Mr. Portokalos and as she prepares herself she tells Toula that her husband is the head but she is the neck. 

The neck supports and influences the heads movement but the head never ceases to be the head.  I think that is a good way of looking at it.  In biblical love a husband knows that his wife has influence and includes her in on things.

Okay…I have a confession…

I am a recovered praying mantis. 

Note I said RECOVERED.

I choose to trade in my ways for His ways.

As a single woman who hopes to remarry I asked God to show me areas that I need His work to prepare me to be a fitting wife.  He used my father to show me my ways.  In no uncertain terms my father told me I was a man eater.  I was totally shocked but when he began to give me evidence I could see where he was coming from viewing it from a man’s perspective although most of what he shared was unintentional.  Now I am learning what respect looks like and how to apply it in everyday situations.

So what to do if you are a self diagnosed praying mantis?

1)   Pray: Ask for God’s forgiveness and accept it immediately.  Ask him to get the root and to show you His way.
2)  Ask for  forgiveness if appropriate (this is likely only appropriate for spouses or a boyfriend.  Seek wise counsel if there is someone else you feel led to apologize to) 
3)   Get in His love letter to us and read about what a Godly woman looks like

4)   Read a book that will help you understand the differences between men and women so you can know how to show respect to a man: IT LOOKS DIFFERENT TO THEM THAN IT DOES TO US (A good starting place is reading Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn; both are Christian authors)

5)   Keep your spiritual life healthy and God will continue to perfect those things that concern you!

Be Well!

Chenille 

Having Healthy Relationships that Reflect His Love

If we are to continue to walk in God's perfect love it is important that our closest intimate relationships are healthy and safe for us.  Without this safety and security we might feel overwhelmed with life and not have supportive, loving relationships that will help us to endure life's tough times.  We see Jesus modeling the need for support in his emotionally distressing time in the Garden of Gethsemane. He asked his disciples on multiple occasions to be present with Him.  If Jesus needed support and He was God in human form what makes us think we are any different?

Often times people will have the "Just Jesus" mentality as if they only need Him in response to a lack of healthy, safe relationships with people.  They run to Him and never learn how to develop healthy relationships.  Without healthy, loving relationships with others I do not think we can fully experience the "abundant life" God has for us. 

People are not perfect because we are broken.  However, we can reflect His love and as we draw closer to Him and surround ourselves with safe people we can do that.

There are three resources: Knapp's Stages of Interpersonal Relationship Development Stages, characteristics of safe and unsafe people, and development of romantic relationships.  I highly recommend the book Safe People by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

Be well,
Chenille

 Knapp's Relational Stages
    Coming Together
       A.     INITIATING
           1.     First contact with a stranger
           2.     Objective is to open a channel of communication in a   likable, pleasant manner.
        B.     EXPERIMENTING
           1.     An attempt to discover the unknown
           2.     Small talk
           3.     Avoids uncomfortable topics
       C.     INTENSIFYING
           1.     When people achieve a relationship known as "close friends"
           2.     Amount of disclosure increases.
           3.     Verbal communication changes.
               a.     Forms of address become more informal.
               b.     Increased use of the first person plural ("we," "our," "let's")
               c.     Private symbols begin to develop.
               d.     Verbal shortcuts emerge.
               e.     More direct expression of commitment may appear.
               f.     Partner may act as a mirror.
           4.     Sophistication in encoding and decoding nonverbal messages develops.
        D.     INTEGRATING
           1.     Personalities seem to fuse.
           2.     Verbal and nonverbal communication changes.
               a.     Others begin to view the pair as a common package.
               b.     Intimate objects are exchanged.
               c.     Similarities in manner, dress, and verbal behavior
               d.     Physical intimacy
        E.     BONDING
           1.     Public announcements of commitment
           2.     A common future
    Coming Apart
       F.     DIFFERENTIATING
           1.     A process of uncoupling
           2.     Communication often centers on how different the two members are.
           3.     Increased fighting and conflict
       G.     CIRCUMSCRIBING
           1.     Communication decreases in quantity and quality.
           2.     Certain topics are avoided.
           3.     Superficial performance in public
        H.     STAGNATING
           1.     No growth in relationship
           2.     No dialogue about the relationship because both partners know what will be said
       I.     AVOIDING
            1.     Participants try to avoid being in the same physical environment of the other.
           2.     This stage suggests a permanent state of separation.
       J.     TERMINATING
            1.     Communication is associated with distance and disassociation.
           2.     Participants work to put barriers between each other.


Excerpt from Safe People by Cloud and Townsend:

 UNSAFE PEOPLE
1. Think they have it all together instead of admitting their weaknesses.
2. Are defensive instead of open to feedback.
3. Are self-righteous instead of humble.
4. Only apologize instead of changing their behavior.
5. Avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with them.
6. Demand trust, instead of earning it.
7. Belive they are perfect instead of admitting their faults.
8. Blame others instead of taking responsibility.
9. Will lie instead of being honest.
10. Are stagnant instead of growing.
11. Avoid closeness instead of connecting.
12. Are only concerned about "I" instead of "we" (not relationship centered)
13. Resist freedom instead of encouraging it.
14. Condemn us instead of forgiving us.
15. Stay in parent/child roles instead of relating as equals.
16. Are unstable over time instead of being consistent.
17. Are a negative influence on us, rather than a positive one.
18. Gossip instead of keeping our confidences.

SAFE PEOPLE
1. Value love - connection - have the ability to trust.
2. Value responsibility (take responsibility for themselves and value that in others) Neither overly dependent on others nor codependent - feeling responsible for others
3. Value honesty - ability to be known - transparent - who they really are.
4. Working on their own issues
5. Respond to truth
6. Have a good track record (may fail, but learn from failure and move on, are in progress of making a good track record even if this is a new beginning for them)
7. Can be observed and tested - see them in interactions with other people (test them with a small part of yourself, share a part of your heart and see what happens)
8. Bear good fruit in your life by being with them (encourage you to grow individually and in your connection with other people)

Here is more information about romantic relationships in particular as shared by Bernard McDowell, LCSW

Phases of Growth Relationships Grow Through

In the table below is a bare bones model of three "phases" of growth that relationships typically cycle through as they progress from one stage to the next; from "puppy love" eventually, perhaps, to great maturity and refined love. This information is frequently useful for therapists. Couples, of course, will need the direct experience of building and/or regaining love and respect, so the information presented here may only be useful as an alert to some common pitfalls. However, it is included because 1) relationship dynamics are of general interest and 2) couples occasionally report that this information alone was helpful to them for keeping perspective through the painful twists and turns their relationships invariably encounter.

Here is one quick tour of the growth dynamics of a relationship. Couples usually engage in an initial, intense phase (fusion) when both members of the couple are focused on ways to bond. Like a sugary high, certain realities are overlooked in this first, fusion phase when couples are "sorting" for ways to connect. But once one person grows secure (or bored) enough in the relationship to begin expressing more individual needs that had been on hold during the fusion phase, conflicts arise marking the beginning of the second phase. Called differentiation, the challenge in this second phase is to stay lovingly connected while each person's unique personal interests are allowed to blossom. For example, one person may decide to put more serious attention on a time consuming passion-e.g., playing a musical instrument, starting a business, or graduate school. That person is emerging out of the bonding phase a little quicker than their partner, but such a shift frequently threatens the feeling of togetherness of the other partner who then gets anxious, lonelier, etc. But if the first "hatching" partner starts the bad habit of giving up important individual interests just to alleviate the second partner's anxiety or avoid anger, he or she may eventually end up depressed. "Oh, oh, listen if it's that upsetting to you, dear, it's no big deal, I'll drop the night out with the book club (guys, piano lessons, skiing, etc.). It's not that important". Another unsuccessful strategy to navigate this second phase occurs when the first partner "cops an attitude" toward their partner's anxiety by distancing (e.g., working late, having an extra beer for the little extra time away from the spouse, etc.). When confronted by their partners' anxiety or anger, they may respond brusquely or direct the partner to "get a life!" When this type of response congeals into a pattern, a crust will soon cover both partners' hearts.

There are alternative ways to cross these waters to a third phase, Integration! Here's one very specific way this might happen. The first emerging partner can empathize with their partner's anxiety but still honor their own need to express their particular unique flavors. A skillful response may be as simple as saying: "OK, I see that it's really difficult for you that I'm giving more time to the piano. Do you want to say more about how you're feeling?". That response allows for emotional connection rather than painting oneself into a corner by instantly dropping the piano or being critical of the other. Now, of course, navigating through conflicts is much more complex than the examples above. But the basic theme of these phases repeats itself throughout the course of a relationships: feeling settled for awhile as a couple (fusion), encountering significant conflicts between each person's preferences (differentiation), and reorganizing as a couple that now has a greater capacity to enjoy their differences as part of or even a celebration of their togetherness.

Check out the table below. It's really an amalgam of phases and stages. For professionals or interested others, an elaboration of finer theoretical points follows the table.

PHASES OF GROWTH OF RELATIONSHIPS

1st Phase Merging/Fusion Known as falling in love or honeymoon phase; unconscious contracts. [This will have different levels of intensity for people at different stages: 18 years olds, individually in the "interpersonal" stage of development, may completely obsess; while mature, say 50 year olds, may be delighted with each other but won't invest their whole identities in their new partner.] 2nd Phase E-merging /Differentiation Also known as "he's not the same person I married" phase; lots of turmoil; differentiating phase. [Again, for two 18 year olds, this phase can be marked with intense conflicts and feelings of despair or even suicidal feelings when one doesn't "feel seen" by the other; while for people at just the next individual level of development, the pain of feeling dismissed, ignored, or slighted is less likely to be conceptualized as victimization or felt as despair (but more likely as disappointment or expressed as grief).] 3rd Phase Integration/Reorganization Freer flow of emotion, time & sharing when together; both are fulfilled when apart yet maintain a secure sense of the relationship (until the next stage transition) [Note that individuals within a couple typically go through individual stages of development at different rates and ways; this is often most obvious there's a big age difference. This Reorganization phase is also most obvious when one person "catches up", e.g., a "partying 22 year old couple goes through two years of arguing when suddenly he stops "partying" just as she did two years earlier.] Characteristics 1st Phase Spending lots of time together; willingly exploration of the other's interests; paying attention to how we fit together; unconscious expectation that the other person will fulfill my relationshipdreams without realizing the unconscious nature of those expectations; defining how "we are as a couple" (while many projections & assumptions go unnoticed and the capacity to tolerate differences remains untested as is more likely to happen at even higher levels of individual development in long distant relationships or, e.g., couples meeting through an affair.); for earlier stages of individual development, there is a strong unconscious pull to seek a sense of completion in another person, an IDEAL mate; while even for people further along in individual development, courting according to cultural norms that do not reflect the unique character of each person leave us unprepared for the coming conflicts. Characteristics 2nd Phase One person begins investing more into interests outside the relationship; we call that differentiating-the other may feel that as a loss (of energy initially absorbed in the relationship); as the relationship evolves, both parties eventually engage in differentiating activities--which may be reacted to by their partner as a threat. Early in this phase, any change in the dynamics often leads to tension, anger, etc.--we fail to gain the sense of completion we hoped for as our real partner fails to meet an ideal image; relationships need redefining to manage differences in personalities, political values, etc.; practical problems surface--differences in child rearing,, sexuality, house keeping, etc.. Here, differences in individual levels of development can be misidentified as culutral differences or vice versa. Characteristics 3rd PhaseUltimately a relationship that is both deeply respectful and loving; both parties are good at living through times of unresolved problems while working on them by dialoguing and with confidence to work problems through; a free flow of emotions and information at times while empathy is readily expressed for one person's feelings even if the expression of those feelings is a potential threat to the other's hopes for the relationship; a free movement between time spent together and time apart; when together, focus on increasing sensitivity and deepening intimacy; increased orientation to give service together outside the relationship; independence apart, celebration in togetherness. Typical Problems 1st Phase Objecting with anger, clinging, and/or anxiety when the other acts outside the arena of the unconscious contracts; in more severe cases: getting sick when the other begins investing in something outside the relationship; if the couple survives their reaction to how the other is failing to meet their unconscious ideal, they typically settle into either a conflict avoidant mode or "hostile-dependency" (blaming and resentful yet fearful of separation); lots of "all or nothing" reactivity with quick jumps to threats of leaving: "well if that's the way you're going to be..."; blame & aggression used to maintain contact after the initial high fades and the ideal hopes go unfulfilled; for those in intense struggles for their self esteem, feelings may go to despair, complete implosion of self worth, and then equally strong blame, fury etc toward the other. Typical Problems 2nd Phase Early in this stage, one partner blames the other as if a contract had been broken; e.g.: "I'm furious with you. If you're not in by 9pm, its totally disrespectful not to call me!"; the differentiating partner feeling pressured & not seen for who they really are, attempts to resolve the conflict by 1) giving up their interests to alleviate the insecurity of the other, or 2) distancing to avoid the blame/pressure. If giving up interests becomes a life style, that person will get depressed; when both are further along in this stage, there may be a mutual distancing with an increasing lack of emotional intimacy, polarizing opinions, and competitive problem solving attempts with increased reactivity; as one differentiates that person may over invest in work, etc. and fear being intimate in the mistaken guess that the other will remain dependent forever--but the dynamic often flip-flops (so patience is recommended). Typical Problems 3rd Phase Relationships may seem stable at this level but regress in the face ofmajor external stressors like moving to a different country which can throw a couple back into over reliance on each other; over the years, people may develop certain interests or even passions that become more important than the relationship; though the amount varies from couple to couple, too little time together may go unnoticed especially when the two people are individually highly developed; but any entity (in this case the relationship) needs nurturing; other related, subtler conflicts arise such as making a choice to give to the relationship that may be a way of avoiding anxiety of our own growth individually; the subtler moral dilemmas remain about how much to give and when to say no. Antidotes 1st Phase Learning to differentiate: can you articulate qualities of yourideal partner contrasted with how your real partner both matches that ideal and is a different from it? List similarities and differences between you and your partner, between you and your parents, between your partner and former partners; explicitly articulate (contract) for yourself what your minimum, bottom line requirements for your willingness to participate in the relationship; some formal method ofaddressing problems may help people through (taking turns for 5 minutes, no interruptions, agreements to not blow up in anger, etc.); maintaining a sense of choice about being in the relationship (use "I choose", "I decide", etc. vs. "I have to", "I should"); explore freely in the other's interests but stay aware of your aesthetic preferences independently e.g.: movies. Antidotes 2nd Phase In earlier stages, communication skills and stable problem solving methods need to be developed. By the end of this phase, through periods of tension, disappointment or possible breakup, both parties can realistically face losses, continue to respect or even enjoy each other, at least intermittently. At more advanced stages, the differentiating partner may learn skills to respond with empathy to their partner's anxiety without distancing or dropping important interests. The more threatened partner can begin outside interests (and friends)-- while strengthening self-esteem--"healthy distancing". Even if feeling trapped by the other's clinging, the differentiating partner can plan "trial intimacy"--keeping firm distance but setting some time aside to wholeheartedly engage with their partner; ultimately, both hone the self-esteem and the specific skills to talk about sensitive topics while maintaining their own position and empathizing and inquiring into the others' experience (without drawing attention back to their individual concerns with rebuttals, anger, opinions, etc.). For mature souls, there may be conscious grieving for the loss of the ideal mate. Antidotes 3rd Phase At the mature level, each person can grieve what is missing from life without holding the partner responsible for a lack of fulfillment. On the other hand, with the passing of the romantic ideal, each partner takes an active role tuning into and giving to their partner what is important and stimulating for their partner; realizing that the institution of marriage doesn't do windows, toilets, or intimacy; each person acts as if they have 100% responsibility to nurture the relationship; when things aren't fulfilling, there is patient understanding of the cyclical nature of life--if you wait two minutes, two days, or two months without insisting on change, harmony and satisfaction are likely to show up again; finally, when each feels all the love possible, each is relieved of the exhausting need to pull for more; then, love moves toward the unconditional.

God's Love in Action: Provision

I have been trusting and believing in God for a desire of my heart.  This is new for me.  At one time I didn't know if he cared about my desire seeing as how there are people who have needs that need to be met like the hungry villages in Africa or people attacked by Hurricane Katrina.    He told me that he cares about my smallest desire as well as the needs of the world.  Because he is God he can attend to everything at once. 

I fully believe He will provide for my desire but started to feel a little concerned because I saw something I want but it seemed as if I may not have it.  I have been reminding myself that God's highest good for my life includes provision.  I will choose to believe that His highest good for my wants and needs is best and will rest in the reality that I don't know what's best because unlike God I don't know the beginning from the end.  In my faith for my desire and faith in God as a provider for everything I am going to fall into him backwards...almost as if I am on a diving board diving into the deepest ocean.  I can fully trust him even when I can't see.

 

I remind myself of the prayer "God I see this and it looks good.  If it is your highest good for me I pray that you would allow me to have it.  If it is not I thank you for providing your highest good which is for my best."

Matthew 6:25-34

 

25 "If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body.

26 Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.

27 "Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch?

28 All this time and money wasted on fashion--do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop,

29 but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best--dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.

30 "If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers--most of which are never even seen--don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you?

31 What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving.

32 People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works.

33 Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

34 "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

 

If you believe God and have faith He will provide for your needs and wants that are within His perfect will. Believe in Him for His best for you and for His highest good.

Markings of a Good Woman:)

Hymn to a Good Wife

¹⁰A good woman is hard to find,
and worth far more than diamonds.

¹¹Her husband trusts her without reserve,
and never has reason to regret it.

¹²Never spiteful, she treats him generously
all her life long.

¹³She shops around for the best yarns and cottons, and enjoys knitting and sewing.

¹⁴She's like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
and brings back exotic surprises.

¹⁵She's up before dawn, preparing breakfast for her family and organizing her day.

¹⁶She looks over a field and buys it,
then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden.

¹⁷First thing in the morning, she dresses for work, rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.

¹⁸She senses the worth of her work,
is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.

¹⁹She's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth, diligent in homemaking.

²⁰She's quick to assist anyone in need,
reaches out to help the poor.

²¹She doesn't worry about her family when it snows; their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.

²²She makes her own clothing,
and dresses in colorful linens and silks.

²³Her husband is greatly respected
when he deliberates with the city fathers.

²⁴She designs gowns and sells them,
brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.

²⁵Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.

²⁶When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,
and she always says it kindly.

²⁷She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,
and keeps them all busy and productive.

²⁸Her children respect and bless her;
her husband joins in with words of praise:

²⁹"Many women have done wonderful things,
but you've outclassed them all!"

³⁰Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.The woman to be admired and praised
is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-GOD.

³¹Give her everything she deserves!
Festoon her life with praises