If we are to continue to walk in God's perfect love it is important that our closest intimate relationships are healthy and safe for us. Without this safety and security we might feel overwhelmed with life and not have supportive, loving relationships that will help us to endure life's tough times. We see Jesus modeling the need for support in his emotionally distressing time in the Garden of Gethsemane. He asked his disciples on multiple occasions to be present with Him. If Jesus needed support and He was God in human form what makes us think we are any different?
Often times people will have the "Just Jesus" mentality as if they only need Him in response to a lack of healthy, safe relationships with people. They run to Him and never learn how to develop healthy relationships. Without healthy, loving relationships with others I do not think we can fully experience the "abundant life" God has for us.
People are not perfect because we are broken. However, we can reflect His love and as we draw closer to Him and surround ourselves with safe people we can do that.
There are three resources: Knapp's Stages of Interpersonal Relationship Development Stages, characteristics of safe and unsafe people, and development of romantic relationships. I highly recommend the book Safe People by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
Be well,
Chenille
Knapp's Relational Stages
Coming Together
A. INITIATING
1. First contact with a stranger
2. Objective is to open a channel of communication in a likable, pleasant manner.
B. EXPERIMENTING
1. An attempt to discover the unknown
2. Small talk
3. Avoids uncomfortable topics
C. INTENSIFYING
1. When people achieve a relationship known as "close friends"
2. Amount of disclosure increases.
3. Verbal communication changes.
a. Forms of address become more informal.
b. Increased use of the first person plural ("we," "our," "let's")
c. Private symbols begin to develop.
d. Verbal shortcuts emerge.
e. More direct expression of commitment may appear.
f. Partner may act as a mirror.
4. Sophistication in encoding and decoding nonverbal messages develops.
D. INTEGRATING
1. Personalities seem to fuse.
2. Verbal and nonverbal communication changes.
a. Others begin to view the pair as a common package.
b. Intimate objects are exchanged.
c. Similarities in manner, dress, and verbal behavior
d. Physical intimacy
E. BONDING
1. Public announcements of commitment
2. A common future
Coming Apart
F. DIFFERENTIATING
1. A process of uncoupling
2. Communication often centers on how different the two members are.
3. Increased fighting and conflict
G. CIRCUMSCRIBING
1. Communication decreases in quantity and quality.
2. Certain topics are avoided.
3. Superficial performance in public
H. STAGNATING
1. No growth in relationship
2. No dialogue about the relationship because both partners know what will be said
I. AVOIDING
1. Participants try to avoid being in the same physical environment of the other.
2. This stage suggests a permanent state of separation.
J. TERMINATING
1. Communication is associated with distance and disassociation.
2. Participants work to put barriers between each other.
Excerpt from Safe People by Cloud and Townsend:
UNSAFE PEOPLE
1. Think they have it all together instead of admitting their weaknesses.
2. Are defensive instead of open to feedback.
3. Are self-righteous instead of humble.
4. Only apologize instead of changing their behavior.
5. Avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with them.
6. Demand trust, instead of earning it.
7. Belive they are perfect instead of admitting their faults.
8. Blame others instead of taking responsibility.
9. Will lie instead of being honest.
10. Are stagnant instead of growing.
11. Avoid closeness instead of connecting.
12. Are only concerned about "I" instead of "we" (not relationship centered)
13. Resist freedom instead of encouraging it.
14. Condemn us instead of forgiving us.
15. Stay in parent/child roles instead of relating as equals.
16. Are unstable over time instead of being consistent.
17. Are a negative influence on us, rather than a positive one.
18. Gossip instead of keeping our confidences.
SAFE PEOPLE
1. Value love - connection - have the ability to trust.
2. Value responsibility (take responsibility for themselves and value that in others) Neither overly dependent on others nor codependent - feeling responsible for others
3. Value honesty - ability to be known - transparent - who they really are.
4. Working on their own issues
5. Respond to truth
6. Have a good track record (may fail, but learn from failure and move on, are in progress of making a good track record even if this is a new beginning for them)
7. Can be observed and tested - see them in interactions with other people (test them with a small part of yourself, share a part of your heart and see what happens)
8. Bear good fruit in your life by being with them (encourage you to grow individually and in your connection with other people)
Here is more information about romantic relationships in particular as shared by Bernard McDowell, LCSW
Phases of Growth Relationships Grow Through |
In the table below is a bare bones model of three "phases" of growth that relationships typically cycle through as they progress from one stage to the next; from "puppy love" eventually, perhaps, to great maturity and refined love. This information is frequently useful for therapists. Couples, of course, will need the direct experience of building and/or regaining love and respect, so the information presented here may only be useful as an alert to some common pitfalls. However, it is included because 1) relationship dynamics are of general interest and 2) couples occasionally report that this information alone was helpful to them for keeping perspective through the painful twists and turns their relationships invariably encounter.
Here is one quick tour of the growth dynamics of a relationship. Couples usually engage in an initial, intense phase (fusion) when both members of the couple are focused on ways to bond. Like a sugary high, certain realities are overlooked in this first, fusion phase when couples are "sorting" for ways to connect. But once one person grows secure (or bored) enough in the relationship to begin expressing more individual needs that had been on hold during the fusion phase, conflicts arise marking the beginning of the second phase. Called differentiation, the challenge in this second phase is to stay lovingly connected while each person's unique personal interests are allowed to blossom. For example, one person may decide to put more serious attention on a time consuming passion-e.g., playing a musical instrument, starting a business, or graduate school. That person is emerging out of the bonding phase a little quicker than their partner, but such a shift frequently threatens the feeling of togetherness of the other partner who then gets anxious, lonelier, etc. But if the first "hatching" partner starts the bad habit of giving up important individual interests just to alleviate the second partner's anxiety or avoid anger, he or she may eventually end up depressed. "Oh, oh, listen if it's that upsetting to you, dear, it's no big deal, I'll drop the night out with the book club (guys, piano lessons, skiing, etc.). It's not that important". Another unsuccessful strategy to navigate this second phase occurs when the first partner "cops an attitude" toward their partner's anxiety by distancing (e.g., working late, having an extra beer for the little extra time away from the spouse, etc.). When confronted by their partners' anxiety or anger, they may respond brusquely or direct the partner to "get a life!" When this type of response congeals into a pattern, a crust will soon cover both partners' hearts.
There are alternative ways to cross these waters to a third phase, Integration! Here's one very specific way this might happen. The first emerging partner can empathize with their partner's anxiety but still honor their own need to express their particular unique flavors. A skillful response may be as simple as saying: "OK, I see that it's really difficult for you that I'm giving more time to the piano. Do you want to say more about how you're feeling?". That response allows for emotional connection rather than painting oneself into a corner by instantly dropping the piano or being critical of the other. Now, of course, navigating through conflicts is much more complex than the examples above. But the basic theme of these phases repeats itself throughout the course of a relationships: feeling settled for awhile as a couple (fusion), encountering significant conflicts between each person's preferences (differentiation), and reorganizing as a couple that now has a greater capacity to enjoy their differences as part of or even a celebration of their togetherness.
Check out the table below. It's really an amalgam of phases and stages. For professionals or interested others, an elaboration of finer theoretical points follows the table.
PHASES OF GROWTH OF RELATIONSHIPS
1st Phase Merging/Fusion Known as falling in love or honeymoon phase; unconscious contracts. [This will have different levels of intensity for people at different stages: 18 years olds, individually in the "interpersonal" stage of development, may completely obsess; while mature, say 50 year olds, may be delighted with each other but won't invest their whole identities in their new partner.] | 2nd Phase E-merging /Differentiation Also known as "he's not the same person I married" phase; lots of turmoil; differentiating phase. [Again, for two 18 year olds, this phase can be marked with intense conflicts and feelings of despair or even suicidal feelings when one doesn't "feel seen" by the other; while for people at just the next individual level of development, the pain of feeling dismissed, ignored, or slighted is less likely to be conceptualized as victimization or felt as despair (but more likely as disappointment or expressed as grief).] | 3rd Phase Integration/Reorganization Freer flow of emotion, time & sharing when together; both are fulfilled when apart yet maintain a secure sense of the relationship (until the next stage transition)
[Note that individuals within a couple typically go through individual stages of development at different rates and ways; this is often most obvious there's a big age difference. This Reorganization phase is also most obvious when one person "catches up", e.g., a "partying 22 year old couple goes through two years of arguing when suddenly he stops "partying" just as she did two years earlier.] |
Characteristics 1st Phase Spending lots of time together; willingly exploration of the other's interests; paying attention to how we fit together; unconscious expectation that the other person will fulfill my relationshipdreams without realizing the unconscious nature of those expectations; defining how "we are as a couple" (while many projections & assumptions go unnoticed and the capacity to tolerate differences remains untested as is more likely to happen at even higher levels of individual development in long distant relationships or, e.g., couples meeting through an affair.); for earlier stages of individual development, there is a strong unconscious pull to seek a sense of completion in another person, an IDEAL mate; while even for people further along in individual development, courting according to cultural norms that do not reflect the unique character of each person leave us unprepared for the coming conflicts. | Characteristics 2nd Phase One person begins investing more into interests outside the relationship; we call that differentiating-the other may feel that as a loss (of energy initially absorbed in the relationship); as the relationship evolves, both parties eventually engage in differentiating activities--which may be reacted to by their partner as a threat. Early in this phase, any change in the dynamics often leads to tension, anger, etc.--we fail to gain the sense of completion we hoped for as our real partner fails to meet an ideal image; relationships need redefining to manage differences in personalities, political values, etc.; practical problems surface--differences in child rearing,, sexuality, house keeping, etc.. Here, differences in individual levels of development can be misidentified as culutral differences or vice versa. | Characteristics 3rd PhaseUltimately a relationship that is both deeply respectful and loving; both parties are good at living through times of unresolved problems while working on them by dialoguing and with confidence to work problems through; a free flow of emotions and information at times while empathy is readily expressed for one person's feelings even if the expression of those feelings is a potential threat to the other's hopes for the relationship; a free movement between time spent together and time apart; when together, focus on increasing sensitivity and deepening intimacy; increased orientation to give service together outside the relationship; independence apart, celebration in togetherness. |
Typical Problems 1st Phase Objecting with anger, clinging, and/or anxiety when the other acts outside the arena of the unconscious contracts; in more severe cases: getting sick when the other begins investing in something outside the relationship; if the couple survives their reaction to how the other is failing to meet their unconscious ideal, they typically settle into either a conflict avoidant mode or "hostile-dependency" (blaming and resentful yet fearful of separation); lots of "all or nothing" reactivity with quick jumps to threats of leaving: "well if that's the way you're going to be..."; blame & aggression used to maintain contact after the initial high fades and the ideal hopes go unfulfilled; for those in intense struggles for their self esteem, feelings may go to despair, complete implosion of self worth, and then equally strong blame, fury etc toward the other. | Typical Problems 2nd Phase Early in this stage, one partner blames the other as if a contract had been broken; e.g.: "I'm furious with you. If you're not in by 9pm, its totally disrespectful not to call me!"; the differentiating partner feeling pressured & not seen for who they really are, attempts to resolve the conflict by 1) giving up their interests to alleviate the insecurity of the other, or 2) distancing to avoid the blame/pressure. If giving up interests becomes a life style, that person will get depressed; when both are further along in this stage, there may be a mutual distancing with an increasing lack of emotional intimacy, polarizing opinions, and competitive problem solving attempts with increased reactivity; as one differentiates that person may over invest in work, etc. and fear being intimate in the mistaken guess that the other will remain dependent forever--but the dynamic often flip-flops (so patience is recommended). | Typical Problems 3rd Phase Relationships may seem stable at this level but regress in the face ofmajor external stressors like moving to a different country which can throw a couple back into over reliance on each other; over the years, people may develop certain interests or even passions that become more important than the relationship; though the amount varies from couple to couple, too little time together may go unnoticed especially when the two people are individually highly developed; but any entity (in this case the relationship) needs nurturing; other related, subtler conflicts arise such as making a choice to give to the relationship that may be a way of avoiding anxiety of our own growth individually; the subtler moral dilemmas remain about how much to give and when to say no. |
Antidotes 1st Phase Learning to differentiate: can you articulate qualities of yourideal partner contrasted with how your real partner both matches that ideal and is a different from it? List similarities and differences between you and your partner, between you and your parents, between your partner and former partners; explicitly articulate (contract) for yourself what your minimum, bottom line requirements for your willingness to participate in the relationship; some formal method ofaddressing problems may help people through (taking turns for 5 minutes, no interruptions, agreements to not blow up in anger, etc.); maintaining a sense of choice about being in the relationship (use "I choose", "I decide", etc. vs. "I have to", "I should"); explore freely in the other's interests but stay aware of your aesthetic preferences independently e.g.: movies. | Antidotes 2nd Phase In earlier stages, communication skills and stable problem solving methods need to be developed. By the end of this phase, through periods of tension, disappointment or possible breakup, both parties can realistically face losses, continue to respect or even enjoy each other, at least intermittently. At more advanced stages, the differentiating partner may learn skills to respond with empathy to their partner's anxiety without distancing or dropping important interests. The more threatened partner can begin outside interests (and friends)-- while strengthening self-esteem--"healthy distancing". Even if feeling trapped by the other's clinging, the differentiating partner can plan "trial intimacy"--keeping firm distance but setting some time aside to wholeheartedly engage with their partner; ultimately, both hone the self-esteem and the specific skills to talk about sensitive topics while maintaining their own position and empathizing and inquiring into the others' experience (without drawing attention back to their individual concerns with rebuttals, anger, opinions, etc.). For mature souls, there may be conscious grieving for the loss of the ideal mate. | Antidotes 3rd Phase At the mature level, each person can grieve what is missing from life without holding the partner responsible for a lack of fulfillment. On the other hand, with the passing of the romantic ideal, each partner takes an active role tuning into and giving to their partner what is important and stimulating for their partner; realizing that the institution of marriage doesn't do windows, toilets, or intimacy; each person acts as if they have 100% responsibility to nurture the relationship; when things aren't fulfilling, there is patient understanding of the cyclical nature of life--if you wait two minutes, two days, or two months without insisting on change, harmony and satisfaction are likely to show up again; finally, when each feels all the love possible, each is relieved of the exhausting need to pull for more; then, love moves toward the unconditional. |
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