Women: Beware the trap of the Praying Mantis

(A caveat: This is posting, more than most probably is counter cultural to the US culture like most of the writings in the Bible)

The praying mantis…

We all know her. 

She is seemingly spiritual and wise and desires to be married or is married…BUT…she is a man eater.  She may seem gracious, loving, kind, well dressed, well kept and fiscally responsible.  Still she eats her man for dinner then spits him out to do the same the next day.  Not all man eaters are pretty man eaters.  Some are sloppy, rude, and down right insolent but still she eats her man and spits him out to do the same the next day.

The praying mantis figuratively “eats her mate” by emasculating him in word or deed , not showing respect for him as a man or does not respect God’s order for the home.  She may have an unconscious lack of respect for men or just insists on her own way and wants to “wear the pants”.  This could happen in any combination for a multitude of reasons.  Ladies, this is out of order. 

Seriously.

No matter why a woman becomes a praying mantis if she is to show God’s love to all, including a person she is dating, married to or her future husband she must evaluate if she is living in accordance with God’s divine order as it relates to marriage.  You don’t have to be married to know if your thought processes are in accordance with marriage.  There is divine order in marriage and it is for a reason.  The order is perfect; however some immature believers have misused this order in order to usurp power over others.  This madness has been used by the evil one to set mistrust against God’s order and disrupt the home.  The evil one comes to steal, kill and destroy.  What I know is mostly he destroys homes.

A Godly man knows his place is as the head.  He is to serve, honor and protect his home.  He being called by God to lead his family cannot do this successfully without his wife being in her proper place.  A wise man who is dating looking to be married would not choose a woman who looks like a man eater to be his wife because a praying mantis is trouble waiting to happen. 

Saying the man is the head is not to say that men are superior to women.   They are equals with two different roles ordained as such by God.  For a unit to run successfully each person must fulfill their roles properly or things will be out of balance.

Now to the strong, independent women:

It is quite possible to be strong AND independent AND gentle AND respectful AND submissive all at once.  If you are like I was then to you the word submissive makes you see a red doormat.  This is not true.  Unfortunately too many Christian men, well meaning or just plain uninformed have used the words submissive, submit, or submission as a method to demand their way or manipulate others.  

The Bible does call for wives to be submissive but look at how much it focuses on how husbands are to love their wives.  I heard Tony Evans say one day that a Godly wife with a loving husband has no problem submitting to him.  I fully believe this. 

Doormats happen when husbands are not being loving or even abusing their wives and the wives have improper boundaries and just tolerate it.  Both are wrong.  God does not call us to be victims of abuse or to be abusers.  He calls us to his divine order.   A Godly woman has Godly boundaries.

I will show you the King James Version and then a passage in The Message to support what I have shared thus far.  Women, notice that only 2 of the 12 verses speak about submission.  The other 10 verses speak about how loving men are to treat their wives. 

KJV

22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. 25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

^{The Message: Ephesians 5:22-33}

²²Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. ²³The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. ²⁴So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.

²⁵Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church--a love marked by giving, not getting. ²⁶Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, ²⁷dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. ²⁸And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor--since they're already "one" in marriage.

²⁹No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That's how Christ treats us, the church, ³⁰since we are part of his body. ³¹And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become "one flesh." ³²This is a huge mystery, and I don't pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. ³³And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.

 

The main definition of the word submit in the Merriam-Webster is “ to yield to governance or authority”.  Notice the word YIELD.  For those of us who have seen the word “submit” used wrong we have been given poor examples and need to ask God to remove the damage of the poor examples to show us His way. 

To submit DOES NOT mean to accept abuse, to tolerate sin or agree with sinful behavior.  It means to yield.  I like Merriam Webster definition of yield that defines it as “: to give place or precedence: acknowledge the superiority of someone else”.

A Godly, strong Christian woman knows that submitting to her Godly husband is a part of God’s order.  Likewise a strong, Godly Christian man knows that if he cherishes his wife as God has ordained him to then his Godly, strong Christian wife will have no problem submitting to him. 

Now a word to my beautiful brown skinned sisters:

We must be careful not to fall into the trap of being “the black girl with an attitude” in any relationships, particularly our romantic relationships.  Now, that does not mean that we are passive.  It means that we are not aggressive.  There is a fine line where we should live mostly and that is called being assertive.  It means we lose the aggressiveness gained by seeing things out of order such as our single mothers raising us taking on the role of the head of the house as well as the woman of the house.  Or it may have been learned from seeing our mothers disrespected by a man and we vowed that would never happen to us.  In order to protect ourselves we created a shell.  This shell keeps us from being abused but it also prevents use from successfully take on our role as a wife as defined by God.   

We learn to be strong and independent.  That is a good thing.  However to be effective partners in a marriage we must also learn to be gentle, respectful and submissive.   If that last sentence struck a cord with you consider that to be a good indicator that you may have some past hurts or false beliefs keeping you from accepting this truth.  At this time stop reading and call a therapist because you need some help! 

A Godly wife is marked by her ability to accept and embrace her role.  Part of our responsibility includes submitting and supporting the head, which is the husband.   These roles are supposed to be separate according to God’s divine order. 

One of my favorite move phrases is one that Toula Portokalos’ mother says on the film “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”.  Toula is the main character who is dating.  Mrs. Portokalos is about to go talk to Mr. Portokalos and as she prepares herself she tells Toula that her husband is the head but she is the neck. 

The neck supports and influences the heads movement but the head never ceases to be the head.  I think that is a good way of looking at it.  In biblical love a husband knows that his wife has influence and includes her in on things.

Okay…I have a confession…

I am a recovered praying mantis. 

Note I said RECOVERED.

I choose to trade in my ways for His ways.

As a single woman who hopes to remarry I asked God to show me areas that I need His work to prepare me to be a fitting wife.  He used my father to show me my ways.  In no uncertain terms my father told me I was a man eater.  I was totally shocked but when he began to give me evidence I could see where he was coming from viewing it from a man’s perspective although most of what he shared was unintentional.  Now I am learning what respect looks like and how to apply it in everyday situations.

So what to do if you are a self diagnosed praying mantis?

1)   Pray: Ask for God’s forgiveness and accept it immediately.  Ask him to get the root and to show you His way.
2)  Ask for  forgiveness if appropriate (this is likely only appropriate for spouses or a boyfriend.  Seek wise counsel if there is someone else you feel led to apologize to) 
3)   Get in His love letter to us and read about what a Godly woman looks like

4)   Read a book that will help you understand the differences between men and women so you can know how to show respect to a man: IT LOOKS DIFFERENT TO THEM THAN IT DOES TO US (A good starting place is reading Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn; both are Christian authors)

5)   Keep your spiritual life healthy and God will continue to perfect those things that concern you!

Be Well!

Chenille